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Ways to cope with widowhood
By
Helen Greenblatt, Ph.D.
Copley News Service
Q: I was widowed three years ago and haven't fully recovered from the loss of
a wonderful husband. You once published a list of things to do that would help
me, but my grief was too recent and I couldn't follow anything anyone suggested.
Could you please reprint some of your suggestions? I know they were very
practical.
A: Here they are. I'm sure you've been doing some of these things without
even noticing it.
- Telephone people with whom you recently had some contact and ask if there are
any interesting things going on that you might join.
- Call heads of charities to which you and your late husband contributed. You
may wish to volunteer.
- Visit your neighborhood library (or high school) and ask to be trained on
their computer equipment. Note: You can get help at your neighborhood senior
center. They will refer you to neighborhood computer clubs.
- Check your finances. If you can afford a vacation, take it now.
- Think back over the things you have done in the past to help you through
trying times. We haven't reached our advanced years without going through some
pretty terrible times, so draw on ways you have coped in the past. You helped
yourself before, and you can do it again.
Q: My neighbor has been caring for his elderly wife, who is suffering from
Alzheimer's disease. Last month he had her admitted to a board and care
facility, and she is responding well to the attention she is receiving. He
visits her every day, even though there are times when she doesn't recognize
him.
Lately this man has been dropping in to see me, offering to pick up some
groceries from the market, mail a letter and even deliver my clothes to the
cleaner. I have been widowed for the past six years, and at first I really
enjoyed having someone around. Now I'm not so sure. One of my neighbors who used
to be very friendly hardly talks to me anymore. Some of my best friends have
stopped their weekly telephone calls. Should I continue this friendship or tell
him not to stop by anymore?
A: Of course you should continue to see him. Since you're not doing
anything wrong, your friends and neighbors may just be giving you some space so
that you can enjoy having this man around. He is not being disloyal to his wife
since she is well cared-for. His daily visits to her are as much as he can do
under the circumstances.
Instead of thinking you are seeing too much of him, include him in your social
life. Have some friends over and introduce him so that he can widen his circle
of support.
You can also accompany him in visits to his Alzheimer's support groups. His wife
is suffering from a dread disease that takes its toll on the caregiver almost as
much as on the person who has the illness. He's lucky to have a friend like you
to whom he can turn.
You can write to Dr. Helen at Copley News Service, P.O. Box 120190, San
Diego, CA 92112 or e-mail her at [email protected].
(c) Copley News Service
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Benefits of
marriage outweigh hygiene issues
By
Helen Greenblatt, Ph.D.
Copley News Service
Q: I am a widow in my early 70s who has been dating a man in his lat e 60s.
We play tennis and golf, and enjoy our families and friends.
He has a bad habit of neglecting to change his shirt, and I
frequently see that old-fashioned ring around the collar. I don't want to hurt
his feelings, yet I don't want to do his laundry. We are planning to get
married at the end of this year, and I don't want this to become an issue that
will spoil our wonderful relationship. Any suggestions?
A: Think back to your previous
marriage and make a list of all the accommodations you both made to keep the
relationship going. It takes caring and consideration to maintain an intimate
partnership, and as we get older we tend to lose our patience too easily.
You may be going through some anxious moments related to
tying the marriage knot. You have been a free agent for some time, and the
thought of permanency may be a bit scary. At the same time, realize that you
will now have the comfort of having a steady partner with whom you can share
your joys and sorrows.
Once you are married, why not take over doing the laundry?
Then you can solve your problem without hurting his feelings. You can remove
the soiled shirts and make sure fresh ones are always available in his closet,
and he need never be the wiser. If you feel the situation warrants, however,
you might benefit from a few premarital counseling sessions. Take heart and
know that the best is yet to come.
Q: I lent a very close friend a
video of our 50th anniversary because she coordinated the event and I wanted
her to see the great job she did. She was widowed two years ago and is having a
difficult time living on her own.
She is not the most organized person, and even though she
keeps promising to return the video, two months have passed and I have yet to
see it. She seems to have mislaid it in her own house, and since she is active
in the community, she has a tendency to let things pile up at home.
I don't want to lose her as a friend, but this video is
precious to me. My husband is annoyed with the whole situation and cannot
understand how I could have lent her our only copy. He thinks we should all get
together at her house and search around until we find it. Any suggestions?
A: It sounds as if extreme
measures are in order, but it would be unfortunate to break up a friendship by
invading this woman's privacy. Since you are such close friends, you probably
know how much this event meant to her and how much she would treasure a memento
of it. It sounds to me as if she is clinging to objects that comfort her, and
her disorganized home is just an indication of her loneliness.
Offer to come and help her find the video. Maybe you could
even take lunch and make an event out of it. But if it doesn't turn up, you can
always get a copy of it from the person who took the pictures. You probably
should have made a copy for her to keep in the first place. You'll have another
chance when you celebrate your 60th.
You can write to Dr. Helen at Copley News Service, P.O. Box 120190, San
Diego, CA 92112 or e-mail her at [email protected].
(c) Copley News Service
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Grandpa's
girlfriend wasn't at fault
By Helen Greenblatt, Ph.D.
Copley News Service
Q: I have been dating a woman for the past two years. We are both in our 70s
with grown children and grandchildren. Last week my daughter left her 4-year-old
son with us for a few hours, and we took the boy to the mall. That was a
mistake. He dragged us into every toy shop and bookstore, wanted to touch
everything and started to cry when we said it was time to go home.
We were both exhausted, and my lady friend gave him a mild
whack on the seat of his pants, grabbed his arm and said, "Let's go!"
Heads turned as we left the mall and headed for the car.
I felt somewhat humiliated by the turn of events, but I'm not
a good disciplinarian and was grateful for the help. I think the smack was
unnecessary. What do you think?
A: I think it was an imposition
for your daughter to leave her little one with you unless it was an emergency.
Your lady friend took extreme measures to get the child home, and she probably
regrets having been put in the position of authoritarian, but she realized that
you were unable to handle the situation, so she stepped in.
Next time you take this little boy to the mall you might
have to make a written contract with him to come home when you tell him it is
the time to go. We may be the healthiest, wealthiest and best-educated older
generation to exist, but our grown children don't realize that we are also
grandparents who have some physical disabilities, tire easily and lose our
patience when put to the test. Since couples tend to build careers first and
marry and have children later these days, some of us may be too old to
undertake grandparenting roles to the extent that our children would like.
Don't let this incident come between you and your lady
friend. Take her to the movie "Kolya" to see the love that evolves
between an older caretaker and a young child. It's educational and
inspirational. You'll enjoy it.
Q: During a recent storm I walked
out of the house, slipped on a sheet of slimy mud and twisted my ankle. The
X-rays showed no bone fractures, but I wear an ankle brace and have to keep my
foot elevated.
I am in my 80s and my girlfriend is in her 70s. We have been
together for the past 12 years, and I do most of the cooking, cleaning,
marketing and driving. She is a snazzy dresser, keeps herself neat and trim,
and other men seem to admire her. I am a little jealous and from time to time
have suggested that we get married.
She likes our arrangement, and we have been quite content
until this current accident put me temporarily out of commission. I am afraid
she will leave me because I am now homebound and it will take two to three
weeks for everything to heal. What do you think?
A: Don't panic. You have been a
wonderful helpmate for 12 years. This is the time to take care of yourself.
Hire a cleaning team and look up Meals on Wheels to help you get through this
time. Rent some good videos, and ask your girlfriend to find a driver to help
bring her to and from the market.
If you still want to cook, you can peel carrots and shell
peas while keeping your foot up in the air. Place your chair near a telephone
and make phone calls. You can always use this time to read, take care of paper
clutter, write letters and pay bills that may have piled up.
If your friend stayed with you for 12 years, she must like
you as a person, not as a house man. Marriage cannot cement a relationship that
is shaky. It takes more than a signed document to keep a couple together.
You've done well for 12 years. Just 13 to go and you can celebrate your silver
anniversary.
You can write to Dr. Helen at Copley News Service, P.O. Box 120190, San
Diego, CA 92112 or e-mail her at [email protected].
(c) Copley News Service
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Don't let beauty creams ruin
your marriage
By
Helen Greenblatt, Ph.D.
Copley News Service
Q: The lovely woman I had been seeing for four years and I finally decided
to tie the knot and had a small wedding for our close friends. We are both in
our late 60s. Everything went well, and we are compatible on most things.
She has only one habit that bothers me, and that is her
passion for collecting creams and ointments. They adorn the bathroom sink and
shower so that I have to be very careful not to knock anything over when I
enter her sanctuary.
She
spends so much time in that room giving herself facials and who knows what else
that I have to knock on the door and beg to be allowed to use the facility. We
don't like to use the guest bathroom because we like to keep it neat, clean and
available for our guests.
I don't want to
create a rift over such a minor problem, but I would like to be able to respond
when nature calls. Any suggestions?
A: Your wife must have a
beautiful complexion, and facials and beauty treatments are a treat for any
woman. Try to keep that in mind when you are annoyed with her for monopolizing
the bathroom. A lot of men would happily trade problems with you.
Have you mentioned your frustration to her? She might be
willing to condense and consolidate her cosmetics.
Another solution is to use the guest bathroom and tidy up
when you're finished if that's necessary. Don't forget to put the seat down
when you're finished. Happy honeymoon!
Q: We just received a new computer
as a celebration of 45 years of marriage. I am in my 70s and have no desire to
learn new skills. My husband, on the other hand, has taken to it like a duck to
water. He puts all his investments on the computer and even makes trades
without leaving the house.
He used to come home and kiss me hello. Now he goes right to
the computer to see if he has any e-mail or he gets on the Internet to find out
what's current and chats with his computer cronies. I feel left out, never
dreaming that I would have to compete with a computer in my old age.
There is a PC club that has invited me to join and learn the
basics. I am a little self-conscious to expose my ignorance to the community.
The club members are very encouraging and so is my husband. One young man who
is on the technical staff was successful in teaching my friend and has offered
to teach me. Should I take the chance?
A: What do you have to lose? Go
for it and join the millions of men and women all over the world who are
communicating electronically. Once you learn, you'll be able to communicate
with family and friends, shop and keep track of your accounts.
Don't worry about looking ignorant at the beginning.
Everyone who knows the computer now started out in that same position.
The time spent learning new skills will pay off by keeping
you mentally alert as the years pass. Getting older does not mean losing
energy, curiosity and creativity. Keeping mentally alert is part of our natural
growth process throughout our life span. You are doing what comes naturally -
learning.
You can write to Dr. Helen at Copley News Service, P.O. Box 120190, San
Diego, CA 92112 or e-mail her at [email protected].
(c) Copley News Service
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